Updates and High School

Hello!

It has been a while, hasn't it? I know I keep promising to be better at this, but if you follow this blog at all, you'll realize that the road to hell is paved with good intentions and all that jazz. I'm going to try and post more youtube videos at least so then maybe I can have a few SSS fans before I die.

Anyways, my first semester of college is officially over and I survived swimmingly. Did well in all my writing classes and that's all that really matters. Next semester I'm going to be taking an English composition course, an intro to professional writing course, a German fairy tales course and a poetry writing course. I'm really excited even if it's going to be a full schedule.

The project that I'm currently working on is a collection of short stories and poems. It won't be much, but I'm really making it for my mama. I haven't yet decided if I want to make it for public sale or not. However, I completed NaNoWriMo this year and my prize is 6 published copies of it, sooooo maybe I'll just use them as youtube contest things that people can win. The possibilities are endless!

Not much else has been going on. I'm not working on anything major because nothing really gets to me the way that SSS did. I don't feel the urgent need to get any one story down. I have a few I'm kicking around of course -- still thinking about that zombie novel! -- and I have my first novel that still needs to be rewritten. I'm also thinking of writing a fiction book about loveless relationships called "Not-Love and the Like." But I need to build a story around that. So, we'll see.

I just got done talking to a writing class at my old high school. I don't like being back, not at all. It's a feeling of not-belonging, a feeling that I have really moved on and everyone else has too. Not even nostalgia or anything. It's weird, but it was nice to talk about writing with the students.

Here's two pictures of me from when I went to Grace Prep all those months ago to talk there:

Good times :)

Mos'deff,

Moriah Jane

Obviously.

I failed epic-ly at my 365 project.

Obviously.

However, I have been writing. I've been taking a creative writing class in college, and I love every single minute of it. I'm also taking a composition class and an american literary traditions class. It's pretty baller. I love school except for, ya know, math and science and junk.

I've been doing short stories, and dabbling in poetry. Now let's get this straight: I'm no poet and I don't pretend to be. I'm not very good at using the raw images that poetry requires to be effective. I love it, though, and I will write poetry all I want. Idon'curr.

SO I thought I'd throw some poetry stuff up here. Since no one reads this anyway, and I like to pretend I'm sharing things (^.^)

"As Cats and Dogs"

As soon as you told

me you were a dog 

person, i knew that we

weren't going to work. It

was nothing against you; I

just know what I know.

And I was right, wasn't

I? Because you are too

much like a dog owner

in which you like to

control and use others like

tools and bark orders and

I'm too much like a

cat where I'd rather be

left alone to prowl places

I'm unwanted and use up

a few of my lives

through thrilling stupidity.

365 Project: Day Four "The Most Dangerous Color"

4/365
"The Most Dangerous Color." Photograph--> http://www.flickr.com/photos/alex-stoddard/4559488912/in/set-72157624050180762/

You would think that the most dangerous color would be red. The same color lipstick I wore the day we first met. The same color dress I wore on our last date. The same color panties that girl was wearing when I caught you. Caught you red handed. Ha ha. The same color that tints my vision when I hear your name.

I think the most dangerous color is green, though. It's the same color as the woods that surround me when I like to sit about and think of all the glorious ways I could punch you in the balls. It's the same color as your hoodie that I never gave back and still wear when I miss you and remember how much I really love you.

The color is dangerous to whom you ask? I'll guess we'll find out.

365 Project: Day Three "Between Here and Nowhere"

3/365
"Between Here and Nowhere." Photograph --> http://www.flickr.com/photos/alex-stoddard/4556654768/in/set-72157624050180762/

I love you.
But it's not going to work out.
My feelings for you are too complicated too...
                messy.
It's simply better not to get involved with someone like me.
Really.
Ask my ex's.
I can be very difficult when I want to be. And mean. And I have a habit of smoking and drinking and making bad choices.
If I had to describe me, the word would be...
                 messy.
I'm sorry, but I just can't go through with this.
We won't work out.
I still love you though.
I will always love you.
But only between here and nowhere.

365 Project: Day Two "Agnosticism"

Hai!

So I just wanted to insert a quick note: Part of the Flickr.com 365 project is that you have to upload your picture every day. That's why I always fail. I'm a very busy girl and I'm not always near a computer or Internet. So just know that this particular rule is not part of my 365 project here. I write the short story or poem every day, but I may not upload them until a later date. That's why I'm about to upload days 2-4 right now. Kthnxbie!

2/365
"Agnosticism." Photograph --> http://www.flickr.com/photos/alex-stoddard/4552581761/in/set-72157624050180762

I never understood his feelings. I mean, one could understand if we were JUST brother and sister, but twins? Twins are supposed to understand everything about each other. It's pretty much a fact, yeah? And I did understand him on almost everything. But that girl...

I liked her. I mean, as much as a sister can like a girl who her brother's after. She was better than the last couple at least. She had brains, she was cute. More than cute she was... like a breath of fresh air, I'd say. She was lively and flirty and fun. She made me laugh: made us all laugh actually. She was nice and I liked her.

He denied his feelings for her. Obviously he fell in love: we all did. But he refused to admit it to anyone, especially her. And she was interested in him. But he turned his back on her and their possible future. He was like the man that stands in the light of God, but turns his back and covers his eyes, refusing to fully believe. I think that he realized it himself, just from the way he looked at her. He knew just how much of him she had a hold of. It scared him and he pulled back.

She left in the end, of course, the way a person must when they've grown weary of never being enough. It was quite dramatic, I hear. I wouldn't know. I wasn't there. But my brother still won't talk about it to this day. I think he knows just how much he screwed up. We all do.

365 Project: Day One "Beginning"

Heyo!

So I am sort of a hobby photographer. It's an obsession of mine. So, naturally, I joined Flickr.com, which is a photography based website. There's a challenge of sorts on this website, and it's called the 365 Project. The goal is to take and upload a photo every day for an entire year. I myself have tried and failed this project many times. But I love to go through and follow the journeys of other photographers (especially fellow teenagers) as they sweat and toil to complete their projects. Many fail and few succeed.

One of my favorite photographers to follow is Alex Stoddard. I came across his flickr stream when he was on Day 40 of his project. The title of that photograph is, "Today I fell in love with The Weepies." The Weepies are a band. I very much love that band. I instantly fell in love and knew that his journey was going to touch and inspire me. I was right.

I get bored and frustrated with the 365 Project. Because even though I love photography and am passionate about it, it's not my heart's true love. That is and will always be writing. And so, I'm doing a 365 Project of my own! From this day on, I will write one short story or poem a day, and it will be based off of, or inspired by the pictures Alex took. So Day One of my project is inspired by Day One of his, and so forth. I will do this every single day for a year. Wish me luck!

1/365
"Beginning." Photograph --> http://www.flickr.com/photos/alex-stoddard/4549673133/in/set-72157624050180762/

They call me the Metal Man. They say that I have no feelings in my fleshless body. They say I have no thoughts in my tiny tin mind. They talk amongst themselves and they say that I have no heart, that I have no soul.

I do not disprove them. I stare at them blankly from my hollow eyes. I nod mechanically and lurch away, very much the Metal Man they make me out to be. They don't understand. They don't know what it's like to be hurt the way I've been hurt.

They don't think about what could be behind the rusting smile of the Metal Man: cursed to wake up and wish he didn't. Doomed to roam the earth looking sadly at the broken world from a neglected body. They're the lucky ones, the ones who talk about the Metal Man. I pity them. I despise them. I envy them.

But perhaps they are right. Perhaps I have no heart; own no soul. Maybe I am simply a Metal Man. The cursed tin grows slowly over my skin; a thin coating of armor in it's own right. What it's keeping in, I understand.

What it's keeping out, I fear.

I Hate Me.

I am an unhappy person.

This might come as a surprise to people who know me, or, rather, "know" me. Even people who really do know me I've found can be surprised by how I really feel sometimes. But it's true. I am an unhappy person. I came to this realization only this week. Long story short, my boyfriend is away and I hadn't heard from him in over a week, though I was supposed to be getting a letter in the mail from him. I had a total breakdown one day, though not what you think a breakdown would be. For me, it's an onset of anxiety and stress and total self deprecation. It's kind of like suffering in silence, though I find it very odd that there's any other way to suffer. And I only think of it as suffering much, much later. I became plagued by the thought that he (my boy) had met someone else, or had realized all my flaws and was reevaluating our relationship. I even had dreams about it.

I happened to be on a vacation shopping trip to Berkley Springs, West Virginia at the time. We stopped in a shop called Portals and that's when I stumbled upon the idea of Bone Sighs and the book "The Fabric of Her Dancing Shoes" by Terri St. Claire. Bone Sighs are what Terri calls her poetry/quotes. They're really interesting and I have written many in the past: I just didn't know how to classify them. For example, one of her Bone Sighs is as follows:

i want my heart to open,

and open,

and open,

'cause i think god's in

there.

And there you have a Bone Sigh. Kind of amazing, right? Well, Terri's book is about her journey into self acceptance, trust and eventually the complete loving of herself. And that's when the realization came upon me.

I am an unhappy person. I am unhappy because I am not happy with myself.

I do not accept myself. I do not trust myself. And most of all, I do not love myself. And who can I be if I do none of those things? What do I have to offer to anyone? I think I have been blinded because I am very, very adept at lying to myself. "I'm Fine." That's the biggest lie. That's the mantra that I make into a false truth, that I use to push people away and to get myself to sleep at night. If I say I am fine, then the problems go away. If I say I am fine, then I AM FINE.

I am not fine. Quite frankly, I Hate Me.

I am going to go on a journey. I am going to learn to do what I am now calling The Big Three. I am going to:

1. Accept Myself

2. Trust Myself

And the hardest one.....

3. Love Myself



It's going to be a big step. It's going to be hard. I'm going to hate it and kick and scream and fight against it the entire time. But I want to be a better Me, and in order to be that Me, I have to do this. I have to go through this journey. Since I see the Truths scattered around me, I cannot turn back. That's not acceptable; that's not the Me I want to be.

Now, I'm going to be completely honest. I'm not just doing this for myself. I'm doing it for two other people as well. The first person is the Big Boss, the one who I've only newly learned to love and trust again and that's God. If I can learn to love me, then maybe I can become a better Christian and fully accept and rejoice in the the gifts that I have been given. The second person is my boyfriend. I will make no excuses. I love him and I don't have to explain it to you. But I refuse to let my insecurities become a crippling effect on our relationship. I refuse to be the girl who needs to hear that she's loved to feel loved. Terri put it better than I can:

in loving you, i must truly love myself.

for it is in that self love

that i can offer the depths of my

soul to you.

My name is Moriah Jane Howell. I am 18. I am a girl. I am a woman. I have, and will accomplish great things. I am loved by many. I deserve to be loved. Most of all, I deserve to be loved by myself.

All of these things are true. So it's time for me to start seeing them that way. In closing, I'll leave you with a Bone Sigh that I myself have written:

doubt and fear and insecurity rose up,

plaguing her heart and her mind and

drowning her light.

filled with dispair she cried,

'i can't!'

that was when her spirit burst

in quiet alarm

and whispered Truth to her.

'You Can.'

Hello it's Been a Long Time and NEW CAMERA GOODNESS!

Heeeeeey!

So I'm really bad at keeping up with things... I apologize. I'll try to be better. :) But the thing at Grace Prep went AWESOMELY. I talked about nonsense and then they bought books: 7 books!!! It was a good day overall and I went home happy and satisfied. :) That was made possible by my best friend Coalin (http://www.youtube.com/user/Dowesee). He was the one who took me up there and his mom took me home. I owe them BIG!

I think my best project is going to be about zombies. That's the idea I'm kicking about. I'm a little disappointed in myself because I wanted to have another book almost done by this point. I mean, it's now been over a year since I finished Sara Six Strings and I wanted to have another project under my belt by this point. But with any art, I have learned that you can't force it. It's either there, or it isn't. That's all there is to it.

I made a few more book sales to a few classmates, but nothing that carried any wow factor. When I turn 18 (in 6 days!!!!) then I'm going to send a copy of my book, along with my story about being a self published teen author. I will let you know how that goes. :D

I'll Try and Be Better at This,

Moriah Jane

Sore Backs, Grace Prep and Holy Crap it's HOT Outside!

Heyheyhey!

So tomorrow I am going to be doing a 10 minutes presentation at Grace Prep. It's a local school and it's pretty small but it's going to be my first time speaking as an author to a group of unknown people. I'm really excited but also really nervous. What am I going to talk about?

I figure I'll just do what I usually do; wing it. I'm going to have a rough idea of what I might want to talk about and then just go and ramble and rant for my allotted amount of time. That's what I do for every speech or presentation I have to do for school or 4-H. I just wing it.

And I'm pretty awesome at it, not gonna lie. But I'm nervous because this is my first real pitch as an author. This is a big step in getting my book into the hands of readers and I want them to buy my book and enjoy it.

So, yeah. I will most definitely keep you posted. But thoughts and prayers are welcomed and appreciated. :D

Bananas?

Moriah Jane

Queries and New Beginnings

Kissing itself it an art, but the world imploded when he kissed me.

I pulled back, and stared at his mouth, a sense of nostalgia washing over me. How many times had my lips touched his? Too many to count.

“What?” His forehead creased in concern.

I swallowed the lump in my throat, shaking my head lightly. “Nothing.”

He pulled me back in, and I allowed myself to be taken by the heat and the smell and the taste of him. He’d been mine for almost a year now, though it seemed like much longer. But summer was coming to a close and I could sense the deadline in the chill of the air.

He leaned back against the car door, and I followed him, leaning over the awkward E-brake. He coaxed me against him, bare chest to bare chest, and I melted once more.

I broke the kisses, turning my face from his.

“What is it?” he asked.

“Nothing-“

“Don’t tell me it’s nothing.” His fingers came up to touch my face, drawing my eyes back to his. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s just…” I would not cry. “Two years is… a long time.”

“I will write you. Whenever I can.”

I nodded his promise aside. “I know, I know. Still.”

“Yeah.” His mouth pulled over in a small, apologetic smile. “I want to go, though.”

“I know you do. And you know I support you in this.”

The smile became genuine. “I know.”

 I blinked, looking into those emotive, dark blue eyes. I would not cry.

“We still have some time left before I go,” he offered.

I kissed him as a way of answering. ‘Some time’ would not be enough.

Forever wouldn’t have been enough.

That is the beginning to the new book I'm considering writing. In fact, the story really has nothing to do with the boy aforementioned, but it has everything to do with his absence and her way of coping with loss.

But let's talk for a moment about queries. Earlier this week, I queried an agency named Baker's Mark, and that same day I got a reply back: no. I do have to say, they were very polite and efficient, but it was still a little bit of a slap. They didn't even need some time to  consider me. I was out before I got started.

I really want an agent: that's the goal. I want people to get copies of my book IN Barnes & Nobles and Wal Mart and every place that might sell a mainstream novel. I want to go to book signings and not have to worry about working because I will love my job THAT much. I want to be an author -- a REAL author.

So, yes, I am feeling a little discouraged of late. But after I'm done with this blog, I'm going to prepare another query for another agent. I can't win the prize if I don't play the game.

Hoorah,

Moriah Jane

Thoughts on Prom Queen

Hello!

Prom is next friday! I'm super excited for a number of reasons. These reasons being:
1) I get to hang out with my very best friends.
2) I get to hang out with my classmates.
3) I get to dress up and feel awesome.
4) I am running for Prom Queen.

Now, if you know me at all, you might be surprised. Prom Queen? Moriah? REALLY!? I know, I know. But I really, really want to win and will be extremely disappointed if I don't.

I know that prom isn't that big of a deal, but I like it! I'm not super hardcore about it, but I love the glamour and the going out and dressing up and I LOVE the dancing! There's just something about it that makes me go absolutely girly. And I want to be Prom Queen.

Ever since I was little, I wanted to be Prom Queen and I'm not sure why. I made sure not to sign up to run for any other Queen (Like Homecoming, Winter Wonderland or Valentine's) because if I happened to win any of those, I wouldn't be able to run for Prom Queen. I have been preparing myself for this for quite a while. There's just something about the idea that my peers voting for me to be their Prom Queen that really gets to me. I would probably cry if I got it haha.

I guess it's because I've always hated being called a Princess or the like. I've been uncomfortable with my femininity for so long that it's almost grating if someone tells me I'm cute or pretty or even beautiful. I never feel like that's who I am. But I think I would feel that way, if I were to get dressed up and be in my element and then be crowned.

Which is kind of silly, because I've got my outfit planned out and I will be pretty no matter if I get that crown or not. I realize that. But I can't help the way I feel, and I'm not making this blog to sound sane or smart or whatever. I'm here to tell you what I think.

Anyway, one of my good friends is running against me, so I don't expect to get it. But either way, I really want to be Prom Queen. We shall see.

I'm Cool, Crowned or Not,

Moriah Jane

GAH also ;LJAGT;OSAHGT;LKSAJFT

Sup?

Musical practice is going to kill me. Seriously, I'm so tired by the time I get home it's ridiculous. But I managed to go through and make a list of six agencies that I am thinking about query-ing to.

The problem is that I'm a really bad query writer, even with the help of "Guide to Query Letters" by Writer's Digest. I just feel uncomfortable pitching my work and I never know exactly what to say. I tried to query in the fall of 2009, and got rejected three times before reconsidered and went the route of self publication.

Also, I'm going to talk to a school about writing! They gave me a 15 minute slot during their morning announcements, and so I'm setting that up now. I have no clue what I'm going to say, because if you haven't noticed, I'm kind of a rambler. I'll work it out. :)

I Consider Myself Kind of Awesome,

Moriah Jane

Study Hall, Philosophical Discussions with Friends, and Thinking About Stuff

Hola!

So I'm getting started on writing my next book, so of course I've been thinking about it a bunch. But the problem I've been encountering is with the character that might not even show up in the story. But he's the only thing that ties my character to her home, and when she runs away, she doesn't even tell him. I know all about how she feels: guilt, pain, what-if's, all that good stuff. But what about him? How is he supposed to react.

Not gonna lie, I have a boyfriend right now. And if he just up and left one day, and I knew he had his phone on him, I would text him every morning and every night. Even if he didn't text me back. Because I would want him to know that he could always come home. Or that he could come back and get me. I'm always up for a new adventure.

But boys are different than girls! They aren't hard wired the way that girls are. So, would he text her? And if he did, then for how long? Would he stay faithful or would he move on as soon as it was clear she wasn't coming back? Most importantly, if he has even an inkling of where she was going, would he go after her? Would a real life, teenage boy take such a risk?

Because when I write these kinds of stories, I try to keep my characters as realistic as I can make them. I am not here to coddle you and spin tales of beautiful girls who always get their boys no matter what. I'll leave that up to Disney. My goal is to take a normal girl and give her a normal romance. That's all I get, so why should my characters have more?

Not to say that I don't love my boy: I do. More than he knows. But let's be honest, he's no knight in shining armor and I'm no damsel in distress. We're just two average kids who have found something neat in each other. And that's more than enough for me! He once said to me, "You are a simple girl." I am. Because I know I'm lucky to have someone who is so good to me. I want this attitude to carry over to my characters because not everyone falls in love after one week and not everyone gets a happy ending.

So, what do you think? Would my boy text her, call her, even come after her? Can a teenager love that much, to make those kinds of risks and mistakes? What would YOU do for love?

Realistically in Love with Love,

Moriah Jane

Arguing about Mac's and Chillin in the Library

Hello!

So I'm thinking about putting out my book through eBooks, which I've heard can be amazing for self published authors. And I've been thinking about trying to do a book signing at my local B&N. Thirdly, I've also been considering trying to go to other schools during the day and talk about self publishing and just writing in general. This makes me really nervous, because I hate doing things I've never done before, alone. What I really want to do is ask my best friend if he'd like to come with me, to help me set up the presentation and, well, be my emotional support. But... long story, but he'd never be allowed to do that. Sucks.

Anyway, I put up a new YouTube video today. Just an update thing, nothing special, but it still felt good to do. I miss doing this kind of Internet stuff; it's something I really enjoy and know I'm sorta good at! All too often I let less important things keep me from doing the things I love. I've got to start making time to do what I really want to do. That's the only way I'm going to be happy with my life and my newborn, fetal career.

I think it's time for a goal! I always work best when I have something to look forward to. Hmm... My new goal shall be to get my book promoted on YouTube, either by Kaleb Nation (Author of the Bran Hambric series) or *gasp* John Green (Author of Looking for Alaska, An Abundance of Katherines, Paper Towns, and Zombiecorns). And I'd like to do this by the end of the calendar year, please. :D

In other news, I'm sitting in my school library and I looked across the chair circle where I'm sitting and do you know what I see? My buddy Ryan reading my book. How freaking cool is that?

Excited for the Four Day School Week,

Moriah Jane

Procrastination and Very Large Sweet Tea's

Hello!

So, here I am. It's been a year since my final draft of my first published novel was completed. Since then, I've self published, but then my world got super busy and I had to put it back on the shelf. That is no more! I'm here to start doing what I should have done in the first place; make time for my dreams and start promoting!

Here is where you will hear all my whiny, kind of boring, but completely honest and real account of my journey into author-hood. And whatever else I decided to chatter on about. :)

Here's what you need to know about me: My name is Moriah (More-I-AH) Jane Howell (Howl). I am currently a senior in high school in central Pennsylvania. I am the daughter of two teachers, and have grown up loving literature and writing. I've always known I was going to do something with writing.

I wrote my first novel in 2008, but it is absolutely awful and needs to be reconstructed and rewritten. I put it on the back burner and started my second book that summer. I took the next year and a half to finish, rewrite and edit it. With the help of my favorite English teacher (Ms Farrant) and one of my best friends (Sharon!). That second book is titled SARA SIX STRINGS. Last summer, I self published it using CreateSpace.com, and have been trying to sell them ever since.

Other than reading and writing, I make my own YouTube videos, dabble in photography and play a lot of golf. Next fall, I will be starting college and majoring in English Writing. I'm starting my next book here soon, and I want to share this with whoever wants to hear it. :D

 Awesometown,

Moriah Jane